There was a time when I was happy. But happiness is a fading thing. Along with other emotions – the bad ones too – it comes and goes, all the while making you think they will stay forever.
From happy to sad, from sadness to anger, from anger to absolute exhaustion, bitterness and sometimes forgiveness. Reset.
You see, I always new Happiness did not last.
And how truly happy is someone until they have become truly sad from grief, misery and sorrow from things they can’t control? Perhaps I took mine for granted.
Because come trials and sorrow, a taste of happiness again would make for a temporary illusion, that everything is fine and perfect. Tell me, where is the happiness in sorrow and pain? There is none. They cannot coexist.
Until I saw them, until I see them, my children, my husband, my parents and family. Smiling again, them and I, as if nothing ever went wrong. As if none of us had ever experienced pain before. Where is it coming from?
I don’t believe this to be happiness. In who’s right mind can someone actually laugh after so much heartache? Realistically speaking, there’s no logical reason to be happy when the onset of suffering approaches yet again. So, what I see in the smiling eyes of those I hold dear is not happiness.
My only explanation is that it could be something called hope. The idea the Sun will always rise after hours of darkness. (But even the dark is lit by far off lights in the distance). The sun comes up and anger has subsided. Perhaps today might not be so difficult.
Where is this hope coming from? And does it dissappear? Can it really be an eternal spiritual condition, even when we are not always hopeful?